What have I been doing?

So I’m sitting here late at night under the beautiful light of an LED bulb given to me by one of my sisters–a bulb tuned to “daylight”.  I never had any idea that the thing could be so beautiful, nor that the switching out of one thing, the light bulb, could make the apartment feel so like a new place.

Change.

Been going through a lot of change recently.  Loss of a long-held job, mostly.  Navigating unemployment, recognizing the opportunity God’s given me, being overwhelmed by the grace and generosity of others–living in interesting times.  I’m not sure if I mean that more in the Chinese curse sense or not.

It’s been hard, looking back at where I was twenty years ago, about to finish graduate school, and looking at where I am now and not think I’ve been wasting my time.  Nearly half my life, actually.  But what if I’d taken a different track?  How do I know I’d be in a different, better spot?

We cannot change the past; all we can do is learn from it and not make whatever mistakes in the future.  Everything else, as Solomon might say, is “useless”.

It’s times like this I need to count my blessings.  I live in a nice apartment in a nice area of town, I have people who love me, there are possibilities on my horizon, I have good internet (never underestimate the value of that) and a great computer.  Soon, there will be more unemployment money coming in.  I have skills that I think I can monetize–acting and writing.  It’s just a matter of making people aware of them.  It’s a matter of not being as lazy as I have been, of, as my friend Will said, not wanting it enough.  What I didn’t tell him was refrain that has been in my mind for over twenty years, a line from “The Untouchables”, starring Kevin Costner and Sean Connery:  “What are you willing to do?”

A lot more than in the past.

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