The day I knew

So I went to LOS Angeles  back in about 2004, 2005 or so. Things weren’t going too well, but I did get a call to be an extra on a popular TV show which need not be named—not because it was a bad show but partly because that is not necessary.

Anyway, so I get to the place I’m supposed to be and, after they graciously let me change in one of the dressing rooms in a trailer (which immediately had me set the goal of getting into one of those rooms in the three-room dressing trailer), they had me go to extras holding.  That, for those who don’t know, is a stage where they put extras who aren’t being used while they shoot the show in, in this case, the next building over.

So there I am. In extras holding. Most of the day. Got called to set but never made it on, for whatever reason. Guess they just didn’t need us. Mostly played Snake on my Nokia candy bar phone, which I think I still have. It was at that moment that I knew I was in the business for right reason: Would rather have done it for free and gotten on camera than have sat all day without getting used. No shade on them—they just didn’t need me/didn’t use me or the other couple of actors in my group. It happens.

Bottom line: To me, it meant I was not in it for the money, though that’s a huge part of it. But as former WWE, now AEW commentator Jim Ross might say, I’m glad for the jersey, but put me in, coach. I wanna play.

Learned a lot that day.

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Assertion

I seem to have this problem with getting in some kind of trouble on the rare(?) occasion that I assert myself or express myself in anger. Kinda stifling because feel I cannot really express myself. So I need to find some way to say what needs saying (if it needs saying) without it setting others off. Or to just deal with the consequences when I do.

Or just consider what I want to say and think twice about whether it is necessary to say. Is there another way to say it?

I think this is why they say to think before you speak. Also to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Sad

Sort of overwhelming sadness these days. Can feel myself giving up, as though there is no getting off this treadmill. As though I’m settling for the comfort of the predictable rather than taking a chance on being uncomfortable and the rewards that will come with that. Yearning for the new, but holding on to the old.

Feels like I’m in a gilded cage of my own doing, of my own creation, and I’m too lazy(?) to leave  and yet I know I must.

This is not acceptable.

The word for this year is “do”, not “whine”.

I am leaving the cage

 

(Over)Thinking

Somebody recently told me I overthink everything.

In a way, they’re right.

I think it stems from fear that I’m not enough, that I am somehow inadequate in some way or that I need the attention even from a negative place, as long as it’s attention.

That works in professional wrestling.  At least I’m getting a reaction.  But this is real life.  Doesn’t work here.

Sometimes you need to trust that people are saying what they mean, positive or negative.  Especially when they are calling you out on some, er, stuff.  Because sometimes overthinking gets translated as second-guessing–yourself or, worse, someone else.  That’s stressy for both parties.

So…that’s about enough of that.  Time to take advice and let that overthink muscle atrophy.

Thanks, you-know-who-you-are.

Do, doing, done–doing what’s important to you

An influential person in my life, Bonnie Gillespie, asked this group of people , fellow actors, creatives and do on, what our word for the new year was.  I said “do”.  I think it was the right one.  Came to me pretty quickly and I don’t see any reason to back off on it.  Of course, it’s only day one of the new year, but it feels and seems right.

See, I’m a great one for talking about what I’m going to do, but for one reason or another have kind of sucked at actually doing what I’m talking about.  I’ve gotten a fair amount of stuff DONE, but not as much as I would like.  So there are some things I’m not going to go into here that need doing and that have received enough talking. In Bonnie’s words, “It’s time for action.”

This writing is a start.  I drive for Lyft and Uber, and it’s easy to justify not taking time to go to the coffee shop and write because that takes time away from driving and earning.  Well, so does sleeping, but we all know what can happen if you drive drowsy, so the trade-off is obviously not worth it, so you go home or somewhere and sleep.  This writing is the beginning of taking writing action, soon to get followed-up with writing on some stuff I’ve needed to be doing for months now.

Do, doing, DONE (one of my favorite words:  done). It’s so easy to get into our job rut and not make time for our passion (if it’s not our job), and soon, the passion can be gone.  “I used to be an actor”.  “I used to write, but I don’t have time for that with the new promotion.” “I used to exercise, but I have more important things to attend to.”  It all reminds me of something I used to say and believe, and which I still believe:  “It comes down to what’s important to you.  You’ll do what is most important to you at the time.”

Many times, I’ll choose to do stuff that doesn’t line up with my priorities (watch another episode of something online rather than get some more needed sleep), and for a time, that’s okay, but whole key is to know that whatever we choose to do is based on our priorities at the time.  That can be uncomfortable when we think about it, but at least admitting that will help orient us in the right direction.  “It’s more important for me, right now, to have that pint of ice cream than it is to go for a walk.”  “But you said you were going to be diligent about your exercising, that you really wanted to get that cellulite off.” “Oh, I do, but right now I want that ice cream.”  And we make the same decision over and over, and the question becomes whether we really want what we _say_ we want or we want what we _demonstrate_ that we want.  When we are honest with ourselves, we have taken a step toward recognizing where we really are.  And once we’ve done that, we’ve taken a step toward increased freedom.