Welp, finally gave myself a day off after working for almost a couple of weeks straight between ridesharing and other endeavors. I’m kind of wanting to just go home and be lazy for the rest of the day–to even stop writing right now.
Still, I’m here at the coffee shop, as usual–a rarer occurrence for me these days–and the computer is right here, so…
I’ve learned a few things over the past few weeks. Like getting a chance to do exactly what I’ve dreamed of doing and how vital it is that I get resources to move so I can keep doing it even as I take advantage of opportunities where I live. There’s nothing like getting just what you want, in a positive way, to light a fire under your butt to do what it takes to keep doing it. That’s the big lesson–I’ve wondered whether I would want to really act once I got the full treatment on-set. Attention from the director, getting mic-ed, having lines, the whole thing. I learned it’s not that big of a deal, getting mic-ed, other than it means you get to say something important enough that they want a clear recording of it. I learned I want more. Definitely. But I had been wondering about some of that for years, and here’s the full thing: I couldn’t say for sure that I really wanted to make a career of acting in film until I REALLY tried it. Now I have, and, thankfully, I do.
There’s a lot we think we want until we get it. In my case, now I KNOW I want it.
There’s comfort in that. And confidence.
That’s another thing, and I thank God for all of this: increased confidence. There are two things I’m good enough at to be professional: acting and writing. I used to sort to demur on that at the risk of sounding arrogant, but it’s not arrogance; I am good enough at these–doesn’t mean I don’t need to get better, of course, but I think it might be foolish to not acknowledge where I am. Of course, being good enough to be a pro doesn’t mean you’ll get the chance to get paid. It just helps. There’s a lot more to it than ability.
One of the most frustrating and yet comforting facts of this life: it’s a continuous learning experience.
So I went to LOS Angeles back in about 2004, 2005 or so. Things weren’t going too well, but I did get a call to be an extra on a popular TV show which need not be named—not because it was a bad show but partly because that is not necessary.
Anyway, so I get to the place I’m supposed to be and, after they graciously let me change in one of the dressing rooms in a trailer (which immediately had me set the goal of getting into one of those rooms in the three-room dressing trailer), they had me go to extras holding. That, for those who don’t know, is a stage where they put extras who aren’t being used while they shoot the show in, in this case, the next building over.
So there I am. In extras holding. Most of the day. Got called to set but never made it on, for whatever reason. Guess they just didn’t need us. Mostly played Snake on my Nokia candy bar phone, which I think I still have. It was at that moment that I knew I was in the business for right reason: Would rather have done it for free and gotten on camera than have sat all day without getting used. No shade on them—they just didn’t need me/didn’t use me or the other couple of actors in my group. It happens.
Bottom line: To me, it meant I was not in it for the money, though that’s a huge part of it. But as former WWE, now AEW commentator Jim Ross might say, I’m glad for the jersey, but put me in, coach. I wanna play.
Learned a lot that day.
I seem to have this problem with getting in some kind of trouble on the rare(?) occasion that I assert myself or express myself in anger. Kinda stifling because feel I cannot really express myself. So I need to find some way to say what needs saying (if it needs saying) without it setting others off. Or to just deal with the consequences when I do.
Or just consider what I want to say and think twice about whether it is necessary to say. Is there another way to say it?
I think this is why they say to think before you speak. Also to say what you mean and mean what you say.
Sort of overwhelming sadness these days. Can feel myself giving up, as though there is no getting off this treadmill. As though I’m settling for the comfort of the predictable rather than taking a chance on being uncomfortable and the rewards that will come with that. Yearning for the new, but holding on to the old.
Feels like I’m in a gilded cage of my own doing, of my own creation, and I’m too lazy(?) to leave and yet I know I must.
This is not acceptable.
The word for this year is “do”, not “whine”.
I am leaving the cage
Just saw a guy on a motorcycle go by. It reminded me that one dream I have is to get a motorcycle, get about 2000.00 and get rid of everything (car, TV, stuff like that) except what will fit on the bike. Then fire it up and leave. There is a lot of romance in that.
Somebody recently told me I overthink everything.
In a way, they’re right.
I think it stems from fear that I’m not enough, that I am somehow inadequate in some way or that I need the attention even from a negative place, as long as it’s attention.
That works in professional wrestling. At least I’m getting a reaction. But this is real life. Doesn’t work here.
Sometimes you need to trust that people are saying what they mean, positive or negative. Especially when they are calling you out on some, er, stuff. Because sometimes overthinking gets translated as second-guessing–yourself or, worse, someone else. That’s stressy for both parties.
So…that’s about enough of that. Time to take advice and let that overthink muscle atrophy.
I’ve never been afraid of death.
I’ve always been afraid of life.
From today, I refuse to fear either.